Out of the fire and into the frying pan.

On Sunday night’s edition of people’s favourite show Top Gear,  the odd-looking Richard Hammond on reviewing the Mastretta made the bizarre statement that vehicles reflected national characteristics so “Mexican cars are just going to be lazy”. He then went on say: “Mexican cars are just going to be lazy, feckless, flatulent, overweight, leaning against a fence asleep looking at a cactus with a blanket with a hole in the middle on as a coat.” And finally described Mexican food as “refried sick.”

Mexico’s ambassador Eduardo Medina in London finally responded yesterday with “Yeah..and so what Hammond? You can’t drive a car properly you muthafuckin girl.”

The BBC did not comment but said it would respond directly to Mr Mora, probably with another license payers’ endorsed insult.

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The one time avant gardist boy band Blue are set to reform to represent the UK in the 2011 Eurovision Song Contest. And in a bizarre twist will tweak their name to that of Blu2! It is still unclear as to why the band have decided on this but speculation from industry insiders suggest it is an attempt to ‘fool’ the normally partisan European voters

Best known for their hit ‘All Rise’, the band plan to sing their new single ‘I Can’ for the competition set to take place in Dusseldorf, Germany. The song  is said to be homage to 70’s Krautrock experimentalists, Can, who the band hold as a primary source of inspiration to their careers.

Last year, the band who disbanded in 2005, reformed for a series of gigs. Band member Simon Webbe said: “When I was young I always wanted to represent my country at Football but was never really that good so was binned from my school team quite early on, so this is obviously the next best thing and a truly exciting experience for Blu2.”

The boy popsters formed in 2000 and since then have sold millions and millions of records, won countless brit awards and had a few number 1’s. Blonde haired Duncan James said the band are celebrating their 20th year of kind of knowing each other and thought participating in the annual contest seemed a zany yet great way to mark the occasion. “This is our answer to many years of hurt in this competition. Because of our love of the stark minimalist yet genius of certain Krautrock records, and our coming from the UK with a prog-rock mentality tinged with disco greatness we see this as potentially a post-stucturalist critique of not only Eurovision but also the music industry as it stands today. It’s going to be good shit”.

A documentary in the form of an all-night ITV telethon special, will show the band’s preparation for the Eurovision Song Contest and will be broadcast on BBC One on April 1st. It will feature all 4 members recording the single individually in each of their houses over a period of what seems like many months, to them hitchhiking to Europe to promote the entry, and receiving advice from fellow artists in the music business like Marti Pellow from Wet Wet Wet and Bernard Cribbins.

A BBC entertainment and events spokesman said: “We’re enormously relieved to have found an act that not only meets but exceeds all the criteria for an interesting and fab entry. Blu2 are the perfect choice and we’re so proud to have them representing us at this year’s Eurovision Song Contest. I think maturity and creativity off set each other perfectly with this year’s choice. ”

Last year the UK’s entry, was represented by 3-year-old Josh Dubovie, with a song penned by his great-grandfather Pete Waterman, and scored just 10 points, coming last. The Eurovision Song Competition will take place on 14 May and be broadcast live on BBC One with commentary by the very loud Graham Norton.



DWP release ‘sick’ figures.

Posted: January 26, 2011 in Uncategorized

 

Fit for work!

Just 6 claimants out of one million who tried to obtain sickness benefit in Britain during the last two years of the Labour government were actually incapable of working, it emerged last night.

Astonishing figures, sourced from a DWP tea trolley on the Strand highlighted how 900,994 were regarded as ‘totally taking the piss’ and of those who applied for the £96.85-a-week sickness benefit between 2008 and 2010, only 6 were found to be ill enough to automatically qualify. The 6 included two lepers, a rabies victim and a quadriplegic. It has not been disclosed as to why the other two were prevented from getting a job though a DWP agent is confident that they’re not swinging the lead.

Hundreds of thousands were rejected after attempting to claim benefits on the grounds of sexual infections, upset stomachs and limps. Employment minister Chris Grayling said the figures were ‘unacceptable’ and has strengthened the determination of Ministers – who want to slash the country’s sickness welfare bill –and help the ‘fit’ to get back to work.

The Department for Work and Pensions figures, covering October 2008 until May 2010, show that well over 80% per cent of claimants were fit enough to go to work immediately and had been ‘chucked’ off the newly labelled Employment and Support Allowance and placed on Job Seeker’s Allowance, which is less lucrative and in unemployed circles deemed as ‘skanky’. Nearly 9.5 in 10 dropped their claims before they could undergo medical tests to check whether they really are ill. ATOS Healthcare, a kind of time and motion company for the deathly, have been contracted to find out who is fibbing and who isn’t.

 

Pilot schemes have begun in Scotland and in Burnley which use a tougher test to assess existing claimants. For example the removal of reliever inhalers from asthmatics and crutches from those with leg fractures and spine problems have been instigated. Mr Grayling said: ‘It is clear that these figures show just how many people are found to be fit for work and not entitled to ESA. Our new work programme will ensure the millions we find fit for work will get the help they need to get a job. The few that we find too sick or disabled to work will continue to receive the support they need to lead fulfilling lives.’

 

Spartacus yesterday.

The ancient gladiator Spartacus has been told he cannot use his Facebook account because of an ever-increasing and deafening chorus of impersonators and imitators across the country all claiming to be the notorious slave leader. The widespread cries of, I am Spartacus!, have set the social networking site all a tis and has resulted in its chiefs accusing Spartacus of impersonating the famous and long dead namesake. Spartacus, who set up his account two years ago, said he was ” absolutely flabbergasted at the decision. My sword is drawn and I intend to contest this idiocy all the way, and to the death if need be.”

Facebook said it makes the occasional mistake and would seek to resolve the issue. The legendary freedom fighter went on to comment “I was quite shocked because I’d started writing an e-mail to all the Maedi people and went to press send and it came up to say I had to login. I then logged in and it came up to say I was a fake and my account had been disabled. For two thousand years I have struggled and fought on behalf of the oppressed and never have I encountered anything as stupendously dumb as this. They said I couldn’t use my name because I was impersonating someone famous, which I’m not, I am Spartacus.”

The put out Spartacus now waits to see if Facebook will reactivate his account.

Facebook said it reviewed thousands of pieces of useless, dull and crass content each day and conceded that even though the primary objective was to dry-suck every last ounse of information from every last citizen of the world for absolutely no cost whatsoever, they work hard to ensure the website remains a safe and trusted environment.

Gabor in better days. circa 1905

The Hungarian-American actress Zsa Zsa Gabor has amazingly been allowed home from hospital, only eight days after having her head amputated, her spokesman announced today. Her release from the Ronald Reagan UCLA Medical Center in Los Angeles has come more than a year earlier than expected and it is said that doctors are very pleased with her progress.

The 193-year-old star of films Moulin Rouge and Lili had her head removed because it is said she no longer recognised herself.  Over the years the nine times married star has been no stranger to various cosmetic surgery methods and it is as yet unclear as to whether surgeons will attempt yet another complete cosmetic rebuild or opt for a prosthetic head. The latter being the first of its kind and is still under development in Switzerland.

Despite the uncertainty of what recovery route the actress will take Gabor’s current husband, Frederic Prinz von Anhalt, had said his wife was now “feisty, yelling at nurses and at him. Apart from her head being disconnected and contained in a pretty box, everything is back to normal”.

Yellowcake. A fuel source processed from mined uranium.

Major world powers have begun two days of talks with Iran over its controversial nuclear programme.Negotiators, including those from the UK and US are meeting Iranian officials in Istanbul and are expected to revive a fuel-swap plan, where Iran gives up expensive nuclear material Uranium in return for more traditional types of fuel, like wood and charcoal, for a research reactor.

It is expected that western officials will attempt to persuade Iran to start shedding its stockpile of low-enriched uranium, estimated to be about three tonnes, in exchange for modern fuel types such as natural gas, kerosene and biogas. As well as traditional solid fuels like beech or cedar wood, charcoal, coal, and even dung.  Beech wood is said to burn clear whereas Dung, widely used in Africa and India has a second-to-none sustainability providing one is able to keep a sturdy mammal alive for an ongoing period.

Some dung on the outskirts of New Delhi yesterday.

The West, mores to the point the United States, suspects Iran are keen to build heavy-handed and sordid nuclear weapons, like missiles, and in recent years has imposed economic sanctions. Tehran insists its nuclear programme is as peaceful as a smoking wigwam. It is said the US state department has said Washington “was not expecting any big breakthroughs”.

Western diplomats call this a confidence-building measure, or a first step. But even a first step may be extremely difficult to agree. A little bit like two first-steps toddlers indulging in a three-legged race. This is the third time in the past year and a half that the idea of a uranium-for-fuel swap has been addressed. A first version of this deal was agreed in October 2009 – but collapsed shortly afterwards. Then, in May 2010, Brazil and Turkey brokered another version on their own with Iran. But this second deal was rejected by the West as in these ecologically aware times it is suspected the Brazilians were leaning a little top-heavy on their offer of timber.

Now, negotiators will try for a third time. The aim this time is to establish a “constructive process” which would see Iran “engaging and addressing the international community’s concerns about its nuclear programme”. Western diplomats suggest that they have set only one immediate goal for this round of talks. They want to persuade Iran to  shed its three tonnes, of which our correspondent says, with further enrichment would be just enough to make maybe 3 nuclear weapons. The sticking point is likely to be the amount of enriched uranium that Iran is prepared to give up. Western diplomats, perhaps rather unfairly, want to ensure that there is not enough enriched uranium left inside Iran to build a single firecracker.

Bizarrely, as a prelude to the negotiations the Iranians have been presented with a traditional English rhyme, of which a copy was this morning leaked to newsbastard:-
 
Beechwood fires are bright and clear
If the logs are kept a year.
Chestnut’s only good, they say,
If for long ’tis laid away.
But Ash new or Ash old
Is fit for a queen with crown of gold.
Birch and fir logs burn too fast
Blaze up bright and do not last.
It is by the Irish said
Hawthorn bakes the sweetest bread.
Elm wood burns like churchyard mould,
E ‘ en the very flames are cold.
But Ash green or Ash brown
Is fit for a queen with golden crown.
Poplar gives a bitter smoke,
Fills your eyes and makes you choke.
Apple wood will scent your room
With an incense like perfume.
Oaken logs, if dry and old.
Keep away the winter’s cold.
But Ash wet or Ash dry
A king shall warm his slippers by.
Oaken logs, if dry and old,
Keep away the winter’s cold
Poplar gives a bitter smoke
, Fills your eyes, and makes you choke
Elm wood burns like churchyard mould
, E’en the very flames are cold
Hawthorn bakes the sweetest bread –
Or so it is in Ireland said,
Applewood will scent the room,
Pearwood smells like flowers in bloom,
But Ashwood wet and Ashwood dry,
A King can warm his slippers by.
Beechwood logs burn bright and clear,
If the wood is kept a year
Store your Beech for Christmas-tide,
With new-cut holly laid aside
Chestnut’s only good, they say
If for years it’s stored away
Birch and Fir wood burn too fast,
Blaze too bright, and do not last
Flames from larch will shoot up high,
And dangerously the sparks will fly…
But Ashwood green,
And Ashwood brown
Are fit for Queen with golden crown.

The 44th Presendent of the United States.

The US president Barack Obama has been barred from entering the UK for the public good, the Home Office says.

The shock Home Office decision ruled Obama could not enter the UK as the government “opposes wishy-washy liberalism in all its forms”. The 44th US President has announced that he would challenge the “unfair” decision and that his visit could have been “beneficial”.

Obama who came to prominence in November 2008 when he found himself elected to the presidency. In his first few days in office Obama issued executive orders directing the U.S. military to develop plans to withdraw troops from Iraq and ordered the closing of the Guantanamo Bay detention camp asap. In more acts of left leaning liberal defiance Obama not only went on to reduce the secrecy given to presidential files, but also appointed two women to serve in the Supreme Court.

Obama has been rated as the most popular world leader, as well as the one figure most people would pin their hopes on for pulling the world out of the economic downturn. He has won two Grammys for his Spoken Word Albums. And he has been known to set concession speeches to independent hip-hop music.

A Home Office spokesman said: “The Numerous actions by Barack Obama are evidence of his unacceptable behaviour. A Noble Peace prize is not an open visa to entering this country. Coming to the UK is a privilege not a right and we are not willing to allow entry to those whose presence is not conducive to the public good..The use of exclusion powers is very serious and no decision is taken lightly or as a method of stopping open debate.”

President Obama said he had not been planning to break any laws while in England, nor make any speeches set to music.